Trying to fake it til I make it in NYC is destined to lead to awkwardness. At least for me. Even though I have been here five whole months, I still have to pretend I know what I’m doing so I don’t look like a tourist. There are so many of them (tourists) and I have learned that it is an insult to a New Yorker to be confused as one. I pretend it hurts my feels as well even though, “OMG is that where they film the Today Show?!” oh…where was I?
1. Sneezing at work and having someone say “bless you” but having no idea who it came from. “Thhhhanks.” I reply to the air surrounding the right side of my head.
2. Falling. Up the stairs. In a skirt. It was pretty quiet and undetected until “BAM!” my phone hits a stair. My work place is extremely quiet and so don’t underestimate the sound of an iPhone hitting cement. I quickly snap up (legally blonde style) and solemnly walk to my desk with a straight face. I wasn’t even going to try to laugh it off. There was no point.
3. Going to the post office to pick up a package. Handing the lady behind the counter the delivery notice and she said, “What’s your last name?” I reply, “Blaser” (I’m doing good so far, right?) She holds out her hand as if she is pleased to meet me. I went for it and at the last second realized this is absurd. If she shakes everyone’s hand that came in the line would have been a lot longer and she would probably have a cold. Did she notice? Suck. “Aw, you thought I wanted to shake your hand?! That is so cute! Bahahahaha!” I was not flattered by her compliment. She then explained that she was looking for my ID, obvs.
4. This one didn’t actually happen to me, but it is too good not to share. I’m sitting down in the subway and a large man is standing up facing the bench (read last Awk Word post to find out just how awkward it is) even though there is room for him to sit by me. (I tried not to be offended) Another lady came into the car and very rudely asked him to move so she could sit down. Right before her bottom reached the seat the car began to move. She went HEAD FIRST into the man’s belly! HA! She then had to apologize to the man she had just been so rude to and then sit near him the entire ride. What’s that phrase? Kharma is a….