This post is gonna be a doozey…..in a fantastically awkward way. Top most embarrassing moments over the past few weeks? You got it!
- Not having my headphones completely in the jack on my phone and blasting “we are never ever ever….!” on the 9:00AM quiet subway train. Packed train of course.
- Not realized we had pulled up to the next platform and continuing to vainly comb my hair with my fingers in the window reflection until…”oh, hello old Asian man…..”
- Having some 4ft tall women wrap her body around the subway pole “like we were at a strip club” (thanks, Miley) and not knowing where to hold on.
- Posting a #tbt Instagram pic on a Wednesday.
- Man jogging behind me decided to sneak up between me and the fence silently. My arms were just a swingin’ as any good jogger does. Yep, right in the crotch. Surprised he didn’t keel over. I almost did and I wasn’t the one who took the hit.
- Another awkward strange man encounter. I was walking with a friend when we noticed the building across the street’s fire alarm was going off. We kept walking, but our eyes were fixed on the building. SMACK! I ran into a guy bent over –in the middle of the sidewalk, mind you! So basically, to get the whole visual, he was bending over to tie his shoes or something, legs straight, his butt hit right in my lap zone. Never have I been so embarrassed. Luckily, I was with good company and we laughed all the way to Big Gay ice cream. It made it all better.
Trying to fake it til I make it in NYC is destined to lead to awkwardness. At least for me. Even though I have been here five whole months, I still have to pretend I know what I’m doing so I don’t look like a tourist. There are so many of them (tourists) and I have learned that it is an insult to a New Yorker to be confused as one. I pretend it hurts my feels as well even though, “OMG is that where they film the Today Show?!” oh…where was I?
1. Sneezing at work and having someone say “bless you” but having no idea who it came from. “Thhhhanks.” I reply to the air surrounding the right side of my head.
2. Falling. Up the stairs. In a skirt. It was pretty quiet and undetected until “BAM!” my phone hits a stair. My work place is extremely quiet and so don’t underestimate the sound of an iPhone hitting cement. I quickly snap up (legally blonde style) and solemnly walk to my desk with a straight face. I wasn’t even going to try to laugh it off. There was no point.
3. Going to the post office to pick up a package. Handing the lady behind the counter the delivery notice and she said, “What’s your last name?” I reply, “Blaser” (I’m doing good so far, right?) She holds out her hand as if she is pleased to meet me. I went for it and at the last second realized this is absurd. If she shakes everyone’s hand that came in the line would have been a lot longer and she would probably have a cold. Did she notice? Suck. “Aw, you thought I wanted to shake your hand?! That is so cute! Bahahahaha!” I was not flattered by her compliment. She then explained that she was looking for my ID, obvs.
4. This one didn’t actually happen to me, but it is too good not to share. I’m sitting down in the subway and a large man is standing up facing the bench (read last Awk Word post to find out just how awkward it is) even though there is room for him to sit by me. (I tried not to be offended) Another lady came into the car and very rudely asked him to move so she could sit down. Right before her bottom reached the seat the car began to move. She went HEAD FIRST into the man’s belly! HA! She then had to apologize to the man she had just been so rude to and then sit near him the entire ride. What’s that phrase? Kharma is a….
Living in a big city where public transportation is a daily must for millions of people, you come to realize that we are all sharing one giant living room. I read this article the other day and it totally explains how life is when you’re sharing it with hundreds of strangers a day.
In a place where we are so rarely alone, we find privacy in public.
This can sometimes be a very unique and eye opening experience and sometimes it can just be down right….awk to the word. Here are some of my recent experiences
- Getting up from my seat on the subway to offer it to an older lady when a completely healthy man in his 30s sits down instead.
- When my sunburned back is in the itchy stage and going into the bathroom stall at work with a small tube of lotion to help the situation, but looking totally awkward coming out of the stall holding a small tube of lotion. (I am sure that lady thought I had some sort of infection and was not interested in touching the same door handle as me)
- Having something in my purse that sets off EVERY store alarm and walking out of DSW without a purchase, but behind a girl with a shoe fetish and having the security guards pull her to the side.
- When the subway is packed and I am a lucky one with a seat, but an unlucky one with random strangers standing up in front of me and my line of vision is….not appropriate even if it was my husband. (thank goodness for iphones)